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LURVE-The_Sequel.txt
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LURVE-The_Sequel.txt
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2022-11-05
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Yes Pea-brains, back by pop... well, no demand at all really, its;
The
LURVE EMPORIUM
In a change to the advertised article, this issue`s banter will be on
the rather tender topic of...
|Cattle Mutilation!...
...er, no. Actually we will be covering the topic of
|Deciphering Datespeak
This issue, I will attempt to cut through the "verbal garnish" as Ben
Elton likes to call it. Personally, I call it BULLSHIT. I will further
introduce you to the art of romance in the latter section of this
article. For though true romance can only be engendered by a true
romantic, requiring as it does, a certain appreciation of the finer
qualities of things, even an uncivilised, debauched, slovenly ignoramus
can learn the necessary techniques required to convince his (or her)
potential partner that he (or she) has, in fact, more depth than a
teaspoon. This part of the article will be concentrating mainly on what
kind of Datespeak to use in order to fool your date that you don`t JUST
want to get into her knickers ("Of course I`ll respect you in the
morning! What was your name again?").
Part One: Commonly-used Datespeak - MEN
In this section ladies, we will look at some popular phrases used by men
in order to gain the attention/adoration/interest/money of you, the
prospective shag. Sorry to use such an ugly, outdated, vulgar and
"un-PC" word, but that is how 99.9% of all males see you!
Datespeak 1:
"I`ve got a twelve inch cock..."
Explanation:
This is actually a misunderstanding that arose (ahem!)
with the advent of metrication, what is really meant is;
"I`ve got a twelve MILLIMETRE cock..."
Datespeak 2:
"You and I could make beautiful music together, honey..."
Explanation:
Sadly, the music he would be referring to would probably
be the 1812 overture. Your ceaseless arguing would sound
like the cannon firing;
Da-Da-Da Da Da-Da-Da DA DA DAAAH!
SLAG!
Da-Da-Da Da Da-Da-Da DA DA DAAAH!
BASTARD!
Da-Da-Da Dada Dada Dada Da Dadaaah!
WHORE!
Da-Da-Da Dada Dada Dada Da Dadaaah!
TINY!
BOM BOM-BOM BOM-BOM BOMMMMM
SLAPPER!
DULL-FUCKER!
BOM BOM-BOM BOM BOMMM
COW!
PERV!
BOM BOM BOM BOM
...you get the drift!
Datespeak 3:
"You`re one of them-there Supermodels aren`t you?"
Explanation:
Yeah, like if you were a Supermodel you`d be in that bar
on your own talking to this dweeb!
Datespeak 4:
"Do you come here often?"
Explanation:
"This guy is either a) trying to make you laugh in the
most pathetic way possible, by using a line that you
both know is corny as buggery or b) hoping you`ll use
the old "only when I get really excited" line. WHAT A
CHESTNUT!
Datespeak 5:
(MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE)
"If I said you had a beautiful body would you swallow
ten inches?"
Explanation:
If anyone uses this line on you and you are a real BABE,
then strip your clothes off and have wild, rampant sex
with them immediately, `cos it`ll be ME!!!
Datespeak 6:
"Let me guess, you`re a Leo! I can tell by oversized
canines and incisors and the long, flowing mane."
Explanation:
This bloke is a complete NOB-JOCKEY. Avoid at all costs.
Part Two: Commonly-used Datespaeak: WOMEN
Women, being the sophisticated, intelligent creatures they
are (HA!) use a much more subtle form of Datespeak. They
use this "code" in order to insult their male companions
and to make lurid comments about the size of their
respective genitalia without the men realising. Here
are a few examples;
Datespeak 1:
"You can buy me a drink if you like..."
Explanation:
"...and keep doing so until you run out of cash, at which
point you can sod off you ugly bastard!"
Datespeak 2:
"Gee, I guess you`d know more about that than me, I`m
not too clever! (Giggle)"
Explanation:
"Actually, I`ve got nine O-levels, four A-levels and
a doctorate in Bio-Chemistry, but I know you`d feel
inadequate if I told you that!"
Datespeak 3:
"My haven`t you got wonderful muscle-tone"
Explanation:
"No more so than in your head, and I bet you`ve got a
tiny penis!"
Datespeak 4:
"Keep talking, you interest me immensely..."
Explanation:
"...or at least, you`ll do until a drop-dead-gorgeous
bloke comes along. Hell, looking at you, he could
just be averagely handsome. Your no Keanu Reeves are
you?"
SECTION II:-
|How to be Romantic
This section is primarily written (typed?) for men, as women have no
need to be romantic, all they need is a dress that gives you a cleavage
like Cheddar Gorge!
Rule 1:
Treat you partner like she is your most treasured possession (not that
men look upon women as possessions, OH NO!). Now we all know that we
all value various other items more than our lady-friends, but DO NOT on
any account let them know that.
Rule 2:
Do the chivalry bit. Open doors for her, pull back her chair for her,
get her coat for her. In general, treat her like an invalid!
Technically, you should always stand up and take off your hat when a
lady enters, so MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A HAT! OR ELSE!
Rule 3:
Tell her how beautiful she looks. Its better if you are specific, like
"Your hair looks breathtakingly beautiful tonight darling..." Be
careful, though. A careless comment like "I see you got your nose fixed
then!" could prove DISASTROUS !!!
Rule 4:
If this is a relatively long-standing relationship, tell her how much
you love her (BUT LIE ! - no one wants to hear "I love you an` all
that, but I like her better `cos she`s got great jugs!"
Rule 5:
When complementing you`re partner, it is usually better to focus on
non-sexual elements of her personality and/or physiology. For example,
"You have the most enchantingly beautiful eyes I have ever seen..." is
far more appropriate than, "By the Lord Harry! The way you wiggle your
arse when you walk is SO EROTIC! I just want to stuff you up the
shitter until my knob explodes!" Women do not like to think that you
only see them as a mere guarantee of sexual gratification!
All this talk of love and sex is making me HORNY!
I`ll have to sign off and pay a swift visit to the bathroom so I can
choke my monkey, If you catch my drift!
May you all find a woman, or I you ARE a woman, may you find ME!
|Aladdin Sane
(1974 - 199?)